The wound from the C-Section stitching was the least of my problems as much as it was oozing some kind of goo I was trying to ignore. Heck, I’d had it for so long I almost forgot part of me was torn open and wasn’t healing even with the several restitches I’d had. Seems even the crook unqualified doctors know when to stop. But that wasn’t my biggest problem. The pain that was so intense it was rendering me temporarily paralyzed would have been my biggest if I didn’t know something else was responsible for this haze of death hanging over me. I was dying, I knew it. As my three children hovered around me, I tried to contain the stench that was coming off from me in waves. It was a futile attempt, but I had to try, Hiding the blood was the hard part. I’d been bleeding for days, feeling the life drain out of me. The bloody cushion I’d been lying on from the beginning of my plight was sticky. I needed help, and I needed it yesterday.
So, back to my biggest problem. What do I tell the nosy neighbor? I knew people spoke behind my back about my habits and basically every bad decision I had made. My children, for one. Sure, those are supposed to bring you joy bla-bla-bla, and don’t get me wrong, I love those retards, but apparently being a single mom with no job or qualifications is a bad thing. Oh, and did I mention I live in my mother’s house? Big deal! She’s my ma and she has a job. What’s wrong with her supporting us? I didn’t see what the fuss was about and my brothers didn’t seem to mind having us around. Okay, maybe sleeping on the floor wasn’t the best feeling in the world but you can only fit so much beds in a single room. Speaking of my brothers, they had been avoiding the house since morning. I could only imagine why. I almost sobbed as the next spasm of pain hit me. Wow! This fourth one really had a grudge against me. Either the pain was lasting longer than usual or I was fading out, either way I needed to come up with a good story fast and get help. If I was lucky, no one would know the truth…
The truth, funny thing. Truth is relative and I knew it didn’t matter what I said to anyone. Everyone would eventually come up with their own version. I mean, c’mon, why would anyone by pass the chance to spin up a pretty good guess as to why the young unmarried mother was bleeding in her bed. Give it a week, and I was sure I would have heard the most absurd of stories. Well, that was if I even made it past the night. With death looming so near, I expected to feel something; fear, anxiety, regret, anything, just anything really, but I was indifferent. Not a good sign Rita, not a good sign. I had always imagined that on my deathbed I would reflect back on my life, repent and think of the afterlife.
The kids tried to talk to me but I sent them away to play. Why the hell was today a Saturday? I’d forgotten they would be home, otherwise I would have postponed my sin. Ha! Postponed my sin. Hear that? Not even cancel it. I had made the decision as soon as I found out. See, the thing about having carried three unplanned pregnancies to full term is that the fourth will not be a surprise. Funny, three mistakes later, I still hadn’t learnt my lesson. What was that about, once bitten twice shy? It didn’t seem to apply to me. I had known even before I missed my period. I had felt the little thing growing in my belly and I knew immediately that it couldn’t live. Sue me, but I could argue fairly that I had done it a favour.
My twenty-four years had been a series of a bad decision after another but if there was one thing I had prided myself in is that I hadn’t had an abortion, up until now. I had had my first kid at seventeen and the others quickly followed. I had an awful taste in men and it was no surprise that all of them were by different fathers. My mother had never said anything against my children and I could tell that she really loved them although I had seen in her eyes that she had been disappointed whenever I told her that I was expectant, yet again.
This fourth one though, I couldn’t keep. I didn’t even want it in the first place and unlike the other three, I didn’t love it. Let’s put it straightforward, I had been raped and that child had been a result of it. Why on earth would I want to bring it to the world? A reminder of what filthy crap had happened to me. I didn’t even know who did it so who was I going to bug for some child support? So as soon as I felt it growing, I knew I had to get rid of it. I would have done it sooner but my ‘doctors’ didn’t want to. Given that the C-section incision from my last delivery hadn’t healed yet, they said it would have been dangerous, that I should just carry it to term and deliver it. But I was having none of that. So it had taken me four whole months to convince those crooks. Four months and a huge dent in my pocket. I was only glad that I hadn’t began showing thanks to the excess fats I had so easily gained from the last three pregnancies.
Yesterday had been the D-day. My Ma was away and since everyone else in this house was younger than me, I didn’t have to be accountable to anyone. I had been given some weird pills and was warned it would be a bit painful. A bit painful? I was dying and those crooks described it as ‘a bit painful’? The pain had started a few hours after taking the pills and then came the blood. That was yester night. Here I was, close to ten hours later, still bleeding and still in pain. I had wanted to keep everyone out of this but heck, it didn’t hurt dying in a hospital and saving my kids the agony of seeing a corpse at such a tender age.
I called out for my eldest and the tall skinny girl came running. I sent her to the neighbours trying to be as vague as possible. As soon as she left, I reached for my stash under my pillow. It was always there because, you never know when the need arises. Didn’t I hear somewhere that marijuana had medicinal properties? I sure as hell hoped that the medicinal properties were pain relieving. As I took my first puff, I heard some footsteps. Thinking it was the neighbor my daughter had fetched, I tried to sit up. A loud screeching scream immediately turned my attention to the door and I felt my whole body go numb as I met Ma’s confused face. Shit! She was due home in a week. Why the hell was she home early? Those damn neighbours!